Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
“Guy walks into a bar”
*and is eliminated from the limbo contest
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what