Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
In banana years, I am bread.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
At least my masseuse has my back.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.