Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you