Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
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It do be feeling this way.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.