Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band