Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
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Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Where is your GOD now????
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
@ candidates for local office
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.