Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
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English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me