Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
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Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
This hospital has everything
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less