Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
You Might Also Like
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I think my mom just blocked me
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Order here:
More here:
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE