Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
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son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
