Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
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You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I’m literally crying
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Saturday
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*