Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
You Might Also Like
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month