Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
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[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.