Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
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Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
couldn’t resist
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
eating my hot dog hamburger style
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.