Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
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What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic