Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
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Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.