Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
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I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.