Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
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just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
🖕🏻👽
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.