Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
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Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.