Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
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No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.