Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
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I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
oppen heimer style lol
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners