Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
You Might Also Like
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*