Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
You Might Also Like
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
live, laugh, laundry.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.