Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

💀💀

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house