Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

welp

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

How do I get a job writing these texts

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.