@Twisted_Mettle

“Let’s get this show on the road.”
~ Guy who invented parades

You Might Also Like

@Mirimade

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

@AllanCresswell

Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you’re going to transfer me to someone who doesn’t speak english?

@3sunzzz

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

@Tommytoughstuff

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

@AGreaterMonster

This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.

@RedRegenerated

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

@Social_Mime

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

@Fred_Delicious

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”