Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
“Let’s get this show on the road.”
~ Guy who invented parades
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Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you’re going to transfer me to someone who doesn’t speak english?
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
“why does this taste like chocolate”
*eating a ham all by myself*
ME [whispering to myself]: ham solo