[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
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One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
i dont have time for this
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.