Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

pain

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.