Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

You wish you had this many chins.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

selfie game

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.