Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses