Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.