Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

what could possibly go wrong?

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

Rambo Rambow

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.