Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

I’m not proud

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

How long do you have to wait between naps?

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

Jogging has never helped my memory.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.