🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
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Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
*at plastic surgeon’s office*
ME: Make me pretty.
SURGEON: How about implants?
Me: No thanks.
SURGEON: I can replace your arms with sharks.
ME: You have my attention.
No matter what he’s talking about, bring the conversation back to your cat.
“I love to travel.”
“My cat’s an explorer.”
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.