@AuthorGaylord

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

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@sofarrsogud

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

@TheAlexNevil

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

@lucky_300

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

@human_not_bees

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

@jessiejess1228

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

@GuacamoleJesus

*at plastic surgeon’s office*

ME: Make me pretty.
SURGEON: How about implants?
ME: Naw.
SURGEON: Filler?
Me: No thanks.
SURGEON: I can replace your arms with sharks.
ME: You have my attention.

@SilverCricket9

#HowToEscapeADate
No matter what he’s talking about, bring the conversation back to your cat.
“I love to travel.”
“My cat’s an explorer.”

@krautsider

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

@MAngelo505

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.