“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
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Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.