“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
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My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Best mom ever 😂
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
A recipe for laughter
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire