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The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Lmfao
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well