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Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
This week’s mood.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??