“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
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“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”