“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
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[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
in 3 months
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
they see me scrollin
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day