“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
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This is not me but this is me
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
*puts words between two asterisks*
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this