“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
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Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
A male goth is called a broth.