“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
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On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.