Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

I beg your pardon?

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

Bring back the McRib

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!