Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…

WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?