Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
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well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now