Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
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Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds