Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.