Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
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The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Well, this explains it:
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis