Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
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[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”