Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

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No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.


Fondly remembering a time when I could wear an over-sized guy’s cardigan and still look pretty sexy, now I just look like a crazy bag lady.


How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12


[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down


THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!



Grammar Tip: When the zombie apocalypse starts I will be using people who write ‘would of’ instead of ‘would have’ as human shields.


My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.


MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….


-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…


*notices it’s not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss…*nn*…to 5 insomniacs*