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Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.