Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
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Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
“A little help here, Danny?”
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.