let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
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I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.