let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
You Might Also Like
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch