let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
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Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.