let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
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Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance