Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
You Might Also Like
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Siri: Retweet me.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”