let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
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“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
i was baptized in a car wash
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?