let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
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I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share