let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
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“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”