Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
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Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
zone out
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.