Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
You Might Also Like
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce