Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

Real House Wines.

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef