‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.