‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
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For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
He wanted to make sure😂
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”