Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.