‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
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Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house