Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.

They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.

Well played Canada, well played.

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

◾️

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s