Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

as is their right

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

HR said no more nunchucks.

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.

They called him… The Juggler

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.

She said yes.

Part ways through the first episode she asks:

“I wonder when we meet Evan.”

I asked, who?

She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.