Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”