“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
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wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme