Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
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Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Catercrombie & Fish
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more