Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

long lost

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something