Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.