Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

The fall of Netflix

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”