Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

Spotted in New Orleans.

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.