Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ironic

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.