Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
You Might Also Like
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman