Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

You Might Also Like


Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.


*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”


Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.


THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.



Me: would that make you happy?


Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.


As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.


If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.


Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend


I’m so single, I was at a bar last night and a cute guy offered to buy me a cat.