Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
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For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Just a phase…
To clean up or just move. This is the question.