@kelkulus

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

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@Matt_The_1st

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

@leapeajo

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

@mishakey

Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.

@thatdutchperson

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

@AimeeHelene1

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

@slimmy_shady

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

@Cheeseboy22

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

@Swain_Train47

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

@Sassafrantz

I’m so single, I was at a bar last night and a cute guy offered to buy me a cat.