Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
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*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
Me: would that make you happy?
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I’m so single, I was at a bar last night and a cute guy offered to buy me a cat.